


habit i can't break

by fineosaur



Series: throbb xmas week 2019 [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Light Angst, M/M, Throbb Xmas Week, title from 'jacket' by the empty house band
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21901981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fineosaur/pseuds/fineosaur
Summary: When the holidays come around this year, Robb realises that the only thing he wants to do is fall back into the arms of a certain dark haired man from his past.
Relationships: Theon Greyjoy/Robb Stark
Series: throbb xmas week 2019 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1577665
Comments: 12
Kudos: 36
Collections: A Very Throbb Christmas





	habit i can't break

**Author's Note:**

> day 4, cultural touchstones:  
>  ** _We fell in love and I helped you when you needed it, but it was so long ago that it all seems like a dream now. But I still love you, and if you came back to take me away, I’d go gladly._**

The glass in his hand was welcomed, though it had been a good year in all aspects. Standing in the kitchen of his colleague’s house, he remembered that this was a time for cheer and that he had absolutely nothing to be sulking for. By all means, he should’ve been proud of himself for making it to senior position at his firm, or for finally acquiring the deal to rebuild Moat Cailin, yet the sinking feeling in his chest was only sated by sipping the now tepid drink that rested in the palm of his hand. 

Robb Stark considered himself a happy person, most times. He’d be the first to laugh when one of his younger siblings were causing a riot, though he’d also be the first to run to the rescue when said riot had gone awry. He was dedicated in all aspects of his life; his work life, family life, and when available, his love life. Yet the latter was probably where he suffered. He had inherited his father’s sense of duty and honour, or so he was told by the man himself, and he supposed that had been his bane in most of his relationships. Robb never seemed to know when it was time to lay down his sword and accept defeat.

His azure eyes scanned the room adjoined to the kitchen, the chatter of his other colleagues flooded his ears and sifted back out, none of the words registering in his mind. Robb supposed it’d be better if he left before he tempted himself to drink anymore. His car keys seemed to burn a hole in his pockets. Shaking his head slightly, Robb downed the rest of the drink in his glass and set it in the sink beside him. As much as he adored Dacey, he couldn’t seem to think of staying at her party any longer.

He would call it a party, but it wasn’t so much a party, more a gathering of his colleagues. Most of them discussed work or their plans for the holidays. With his sour mood, Robb wouldn’t dare dampen anyone else’s Christmas cheer other than his own. He made his way through the living room, in search of his friend. It may be rude that he was deciding to leave so soon, especially when he was in a leadership position at the firm, but the least he could do was let Dacey Mormont know he was feeling ‘under the weather’ and needed to go home and sleep it off in the comfort of his own bed when really it was his bath that called to him, perhaps a soak would rid him of all the miserable nostalgia he was suddenly feeling. 

Robb spotted Dacey’s dark hair easily, he forced a smile and called out to her, watching her turn away from Smalljon who stood rooted and looked to be in vivid thought. 

“Don’t tell me you’re taking off already,” Dacey called him out. He wondered if he was so transparent, _did it show that he had a tendency of balancing the world’s weight on his shoulders?_

“I’m sorry, I really am, Dace. I’m knackered and definitely feel a cold coming in,” Robb lied. To be fair, he really was spent, but a cold? He would scoff at any Northman that tried to use the cold excuse in winter, he had the blood of the First Men in his veins, he did not get sick (or so he told himself in triumph when everyone came into the office with the sniffles).

“Liar.” Robb shrugged at her accusation, already fumbling for his keys.

“Happy Christmas, Mormont. Try not to hit anyone with a decanter this time, aye?” Robb watched the woman laugh at his banter, she glared at him jokingly before agreeing to let him leave.

“Fine. Happy Christmas, Robb. Please try to enjoy yourself, you deserve it.”

Robb sighed, he managed a small smile before retreating to the front door and bracing himself to be met with the cold Winterfell brought them every winter. Temperatures had reached the usual lows he would expect around this time of year, his mood seemed to be walking hand in hand with the weather. 

If someone were to ask him if anything was wrong, Robb would simply answer ‘no’, hoping that his smile and gleaming blue eyes would be enough to convince them. He hoped that he could lie with ease, though he knew it wasn’t the case. Yet if he were to be asked why he was mentally on a boat in turbulent seas, he wouldn’t know what to say other than he hoped that the sea would consume him. He knew what he was longing for, _who he was longing for._ If he closed his eyes now, he would easily fall into the imaginary arms of the dark haired man who held his heart. 

After a few years had dwindled by, Robb had been able to admit to himself that he could no longer visit beaches, be it pebbled or sandy, without thinking of a certain mischevious grin. Just picturing the dark locks that framed an angular face, made his heart sink further. Theon Greyjoy had been his one. The one man who turned his life like a spinning top. Every experience he had had with Theon had been a whirlwind, their entire relationship built on rubble that seemed to be held together only by Theon’s spontaneity. Somehow the chaotic nature of the man seemed to lull him into a feeling of peace, despite the tempestuous reality of their relationship. 

As Robb drove slowly on empty roads, his heart tugged. It was a miserable revelation, realising that the love he had would never allow him to forget what happened and would never disappear entirely. He wondered how Theon was, what he was doing, how his Christmas would be going. He wondered if he had stopped masking his pain with impulsive adventures; a spontaneous hike up one of the peaks of Ashemark’s range when Theon’s father brought up his dead brothers, a sudden urge to swim in Long Lake when they were having a fight on the drive home from a visit to Robb’s parents that included the talk of their future together. It still hurt, to this day, to know that the man he loved didn’t see fit to confide in him when he was hurting. It hurt especially when he knew that it was still him who helped Theon through the brunt of it, especially when Theon’s mother passed away.

Robb glared at the red light that appeared on his dashboard, deciding to lengthen his drive home with a stop at the petrol station. Somehow, despite being pushed away constantly by Theon, Robb knew by the constricting feeling in his chest, that if ever asked, he would gladly allow himself to be entangled within the dread of Theon’s mind once more. Theon seemed to purposely try to deplete Robb’s tolerance, not ever realising that Robb was not one to wave the white flag. It was Theon who left, leaving Robb with an ache he would call his own brand of phantom limb. And now, it was hard to be sure if Theon really did have a habit of burying his fingers in Robb’s hair, or if that was just Robb trying to grasp at every string to make their relationship just as vivid as it was all those years ago when in reality it slipped further and further away.

* * *

In the span of a week, a week of doing himself in with destructive thoughts, Robb found his sudden self loathing reach newfound heights. 

When he thought of running into Theon Greyjoy again, 4 years after their split, it was nothing like this. But this was reality and reality had to be on a day where his eyes were ringed by sleep deprivation and he was downing a glass of champagne to get some feeling into the numbness of his body. 

He spotted the dark haired man whilst he was mid-drink. Robb was sure that his shock was blatant on his face, yet it seemed as if he were invisible. Theon saw right through him, not even meeting his eyes as if they were strangers. His heart sunk further into the recesses of his chest.

Sure he’d seen Theon giddy, the man had a habit of coating his pain with false cheeriness, hoping his pretences would fool those around him as much as it would himself (Robb had always found himself immune to this). Yet his gaiety was different to how Robb had known it to be, all those years back. This contentment seemed… real.

Robb ached to talk to him, all the while wanting to have never laid eyes on him again.

It was Christmas Eve, and, as many Christmas Eves before, Robb spent it accompanying his father to the Baratheon estate for a rather pretentious party. It mainly involved the guests being way too overdressed and an exorbitant amount of alcohol. He normally spent this time trying to control his laughter as Jon and Arya murmured their comments about each snobbish guest, meanwhile, his father would try his best to ensure Robert Baratheon wouldn’t embarrass his brothers too much. It was always a predictable affair.

This time, it wasn’t all the swanky predictability he had grown to enjoy, this time, he was there. Why would Theon Greyjoy be in his sights on a night like this? Sure, when they were together, he’d be there, on Robb’s arm. Even before that, he’d be alongside Jon and him. But since he’d all but disappeared, about 4 Christmas Eves later, he was there again. 

Robb wanted to run into Theon’s arms, he’d thank whatever Gods, be it the old or the new, that his shock kept him rooted in spot. Because that gave him the chance to realise that the feeling was not mutual, that Theon was content with acting as if their history didn’t exist. Theon was more content than Robb had ever seen him. _Perhaps he’d met someone new_ , Robb thought bitterly.

Spending the rest of the night sulking, as he had been for the last month or so. If Jon noticed anything amiss, he didn’t mention it, instead, Robb sat in silence as Jon and his boyfriend’s conversation whisked past him without a second thought. At least Jon was happy, he thought as he started in on another champagne flute. He was glad to not be driving tonight, he didn’t think he could make it through the night sober.

The night passed by numbingly, thanks to the alcohol and his own sense of void. As more glasses emptied, Robb found himself engaged in a conversation with Satin, yet completely unaware as to what the nature of the conversation was. Throughout though, his eyes found themselves darting to Theon.

Robb was glad to have his mother drag him home when the party died down, not his place though, but _home_. She always had a way of knowing when something was up and it was comforting to know that she was there. 

He’d gotten changed and into bed when his mother came to see him again, brushing his auburn curls aside as if he were still a boy.

“I know it must be hard,” she told him softly. He only stared back at her, unsure what to say, knowing that if he were to say anything he might fall apart.

Catelyn stayed by his side a while longer, not saying a word. He was glad for it because words were evil right now, they made him think and thoughts weren’t quite his friends at this moment.

“I’ll let you rest. Sleep well, dear.”

Sleep was almost instantaneous when she left.

* * *

Time off work was a drag. There was nothing pleasant about being alone on a Sunday night as rain poured outside. _At least he wouldn’t have to worry about ice on the roads._

Robb tried to bide his time by watching tv, but really he was staring at his ceiling, tracing the outlines of the light fixtures and letting his mind wander. But no matter how much he thought aimlessly, his mind didn’t seem to settle on anything. 

It took a few moments before he realised someone was knocking on his door and the knocks began sounding more incessant with every passing second. Robb checked the time on his phone, _02:03 am, had he really been staring at the ceiling for an hour?_

Robb got to his feet, upset to be leaving the warmth of the cocoon he had created on his couch. He tugged at the knitted jumper he was wearing and made his way towards the door. It was slightly concerning to have someone knocking at his door so late, but when he checked the peephole of his door, he was sure his sleep deprivation was now making him hallucinate.

Unlocking the door and unlatching his chain lock in top speed, Robb swung open the door, “Theon?” He stared at the man at his door, his reddened eyes avoided Robb’s gaze. “What the hell are _you_ doing here?”

His initial anger dissipated soon enough when he watched Theon run his hands through his hair laughing nervously. Then their eyes met, with a sly smile on Theon’s lips, Robb felt himself thawing.

“Come inside, you look cold,” Robb told him, trying to remain stoic as he stepped aside to allow Theon inside.

Theon laughed quietly again, “I look cold?” he shook his head as Robb looked back at him, puzzled. “You’re the one giving me the same glare your mother used to give us when we did something stupid.”

“Odd how you suddenly remember all these things at 2 in the bloody morning but not at that stupid party,” Robb’s anger danced alongside his longing, he wanted so desperately to just tell Theon to forget every fight they’d ever had, that he forgave him for leaving. But the sting of Theon looking past him at the Baratheons’ lingered.

“Robb…” Theon sighed, looking like if his words were caught in his throat. He swallowed, Robb watched his adam’s apple bob with the movement. “I knew I’d see you there, it was the only reason I went.”

It was Robb’s turn to laugh, “What are you even getting at here?” He tried searching Theon’s eyes for an answer, but he was just left to wonder if tears really were pooling in his eyes or if it was just the glint from the lamp behind him.

“I can’t seem to get your fucking grin out of my mind,” Theon shook his head, wiping away stray tears that had fallen, this time Robb could be sure they were tears. “That didn’t come out right.”

“Well, then say it right,” Robb prompted him but was sure his tone sounded more impatient and annoyed.

Theon took a few steps closer to him, his dark brown eyes darting up and down, it made Robb take a sharp breath in. Theon reached a hand out, cupping Robb’s face softly. “Robb, I-“ Robb cut Theon off, his lips crashing into Theon’s. His hands held onto the collar of Theon’s shirt, his bruising kiss was met with just as much fervour as Theon’s gentle embrace turned into something that screamed his desperation.

When their tongues met, sparring as their hands pulled against one another. Theon’s hands travelled under Robb’s jumper, settling on his waist before he pulled away. Both breathing raggedly as they held another close, foreheads touched in silence.

“I’m still so fucking in love with you, Robb,” Theon’s tone sounded so much surer than when he’d first entered Robb’s flat. Robb gazed back at Theon, the latter’s eyes still closed but with the relaxed smile on his face, Robb could tell this wasn’t a farce.

He pulled away, watching Theon’s eyes flutter open as he still held onto Robb’s waist. “It’s been 4 years since you left,” Robb’s voice felt small in comparison to the words Theon had just said to him.

“I know,” he shook his head, taking a step back from Robb, “I know it’s presumptuous of me to show up here, after the hell I put you through, during and after our relationship, but Robb, fuck if I know how- how after all this time your face is the one that pops up whenever I feel happy.”

Theon paced as Robb stayed silent, there was really so much he could do when his breath was stuck in his throat.

“Then you know what? Then I get sad because I remember that I was the wanker who had all that happiness and still pushed you away,” Theon stepped closer to him again, his hands hovered by his shoulders before trailing down to hold onto his hands. There was something about Theon’s hands, so soft and smooth yet still an edge of roughness to them. Robb could hardly believe any of it, he trusted Theon fully, all over again, but he was sure he’d wake up the next day, disappointed to find that it was all a dream. “I’m not like that anymore… I kept wondering, each year if I finally made it. If I finally became someone who was worth being loved like you loved me… only to realise that that would never happen. I just had to stop feeling so fucking guilty for it all, when you never once made it seem like I was asking too much of you. You were the only one who ever did that, whoever made it seem like it was alright for me not to be alright. But I think I’m finally alright, or somewhere close to that but I don’t know if I’d ever be fully alright without you.”

Robb watched with wide eyes as Theon caught his breath again. He didn’t think he knew any words that would match the ones that came out of Theon’s mouth. He didn’t think he’d ever know, so instead, he reached out, pulling Theon’s lean frame into his embrace before pulling away slowly.

His face hovered only a breath away from Theon’s, his eyes darted to his lips before slowly bringing his own to them. Robb kissed Theon whilst he was still in his arms. Their lips met softly, there was no anger or tension to cut through with this kiss, no, this kiss was a love letter to him, a sonnet written with his lips. 

When Theon’s arms wound themselves around Robb, their kiss deepened, tongues gliding against one another as hands held on for dear life. The kiss felt like a lifeline, it kept him afloat in the sudden onslaught of emotions. Robb knew he’d have to tell Theon exactly how he felt, but for now, he hoped that even some of the love he felt could be poured through this kiss. 

Robb led Theon to his sofa, where his blanket still laid, sprawled out. Theon sat on the sofa before laying back as Robb followed. As he kissed down Theon’s throat, hearing his soft moan made him look back up at the man, now lying back on his sofa, black hair rested against his grey blanket. Theon’s eyes were closed, his head meeting the sofa cushions as he arched his back slightly. It was always intoxicating, to have him like this, the intimacy the vulnerability gave them always made Robb feel like he knew a part of Theon not many knew, he knew the pain and the pleasure behind the man, and it was hard to tell how he’d managed without him for all these years.

“Theon,” he whispered, his voice hardly working as he remembered the position they were in, legs entwined as the soft glow of the tv lit up Theon’s face. “ _Babe_ ,” he said louder, this time Theon’s eyes opened to gaze back at him. They both chuckled softly at how easily Robb had slipped back into old habits. He leaned down to kiss the smile plastered on Theon’s face quickly. “I’ve missed you. And I love you, I don’t know if there’ll ever be a day that I don’t, because there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t.”

Theon pulled him back into a kiss, a quick one, before he only stared back at him, Robb leaning his forehead against his. He felt himself growing tired, his eyelids getting heavier than they usually were. He slotted himself against Theon, head resting in the hollow of his neck as he wrapped his arms around the man he loved.

“I’ve missed you so much, it’s embarrassing,” Theon told him, his tired laughter vibrated through Robb as he felt himself slipping into the sweet hands of sleep.

“Please don’t leave, we need to talk more, but in the morning,” Robb’s grip on Theon grew looser as he fell asleep. He hoped that when he’d wake up that this would still be real or even that Theon would still be by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> my first attempt at throbb! hope you all enjoyed this one x  
> i want to thank [yanak324](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yanak324), i couldn't have written this without her support.  
> i may be posting for 1 more day of the event so keep an eye out for it!  
> thank you for reading!  
> much love x  
> [fineosaur](https://fineosaur.tumblr.com)


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